Hi, I know it’s been a little while. I hope my writing finds you well and that you are staying safe and sound, especially with this weather.

If you ask me, I haven’t been doing that great lately. I saw a video on Instagram not too long ago. It pictured a teacup with its hot water and its tea bag in it. The girl in the video mentioned how we sometimes are like that cup of tea. The longer the tea bag stays in the hot water, the more concentrated of tea the water gets, she then referred to compare that with our relationship with God. The longer we stay in God the deeper our relationship gets and the more we get to know Him, but if we dip in and out continuously or we take the tea bag out of the hot water too early, the lighter the tea is and the same goes with us and God. She mentioned how the moments or seasons that the tea bag is out, are when anxiety, depression, loneliness, and so on, come into our lives and drain us, but I would say that’s not always the case, I’m not saying she’s wrong I’m saying that sometimes for some people is more complicated than that. Thinking about what she said, made me realize how true that is, but also, that the temperature of the water matters as well. It’s not only about how long you leave the tea bag in the water, it’s also about how hot or cold the water is. Picture two teacups, one with hot boiling water and the other with cold water, which one do you think it’ll get done faster? yeah… Talking about temperatures reminded me of that one verse about being lukewarm. How many times have we heard to stay “on fire” for God? Well, yeah… temperature matters, but I’ll leave the rest of the thinking to you. Also, I came across another video of a girl saying “God is not the one who moves, we are” and that my dear friend, shook me a little.

But if I’m being a little more honest, sometimes, moving is not the problem. The relationship itself might be, maybe our perspective of God has been turned into something that is not, or maybe we are maintaining that relationship the way we want it to be, or maybe we are just able to give 0.01% of our energy to it and still feel draining. I find it funny how being like Job and staying in God’s presence all the way through every circumstance might get harder than just walking away. Being honest to God… is hard. Even though He knows it all, still we ought to be honest with Him, even when is not pretty or we don’t really have the right words. At the end of the day, He knows it all and every deeper meaning to what we could ever say. Still, there are times when I don’t feel like talking. It gets overwhelming to organize my thoughts and let it all out, so sometimes, I rather not; which has made my prayer life a whole lot more difficult… reading my Bible has been hard as well, with reading comes meditating and remembering, which leads me to talking so I don’t forget, which leads to prayer which leads me to organize my thoughts to verbalize them. In other words, I don’t have the energy to deal with anything right now. But through all of this, there are two verses that have been fighting in my head for the past few weeks

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Philippians 4:6 NIV

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

Romans 8:26 NIV

Funny huh?

Like I said, I’ve had a hard time when it comes to praying, Sundays are harder. Funny enough, I’ve started a “study” time every Friday with a friend of mine and the point of those meetings is to learn Korean and English from one another, however, because we are who we are, we decided to start and end each meeting with a prayer… so she started with a prayer last Friday and as it should be, I had to end it with a prayer.

It was the first time in my life that I felt uncomfortable with prayer. It wasn’t a “ugh I don’t want to do this” type of way, it was more of a “Can we just not do this right now?” type of way. It wasn’t only because I had to pray in English which I don’t usually do, but mainly because that meant talking to God.

Never in a million years did I think I would someday at any given moment feel uncomfortable with prayer, it’s funny how I felt that way and still can only think of His word and who I am in Him. His Spirit in us, am I right?

Going back to those verses, it’s a constant argument in my head of “I should pray, put away my anxiety, stop worrying and everything will be okay” and “I don’t have the words to do so, but His Spirit in me does so I’ll just be still” It’s been like that for the past months.

For the longest time, I’ve heard people talk about how depression, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, and everything else in between cannot coexist in the life of a Christian; but I like to think otherwise. It’s not that I took the tea bag a little too early or that my water wasn’t hot enough or that I moved. I like to think that struggles like those are meant to coexist in the life of a Christian, at least in mine they do. Not in the sense of “I want to hold onto them and God and walk together” but in the fact that they have to coexist within my relationship with God to be able to surrender them and heal from it. You cannot give something that is not there to someone, it has to be there, present, for you to be able to give it away. Life as a Christian sometimes looks upside down, left and right, and in every way but straightforward, and that makes it way more difficult for people like me who really don’t have the energy to deal with anything at all. This is where I can hear other people saying “You don’t have to deal with it because is not a weight for you to carry” Well, even when my bag is empty it feels heavy. Am I the problem? probably, will I be able to step out of seasons like this? most likely, will I be able to avoid this type of struggle? not really, does this make me less of a Christian? don’t think so, will this ever end? I’m sure it will, because of the price paid at the cross.

There is a song called “Pedazos”(pieces) by Un Corazón and there’s a line that I hold dearly to my heart and it goes something between the lines of “If I’m still in a million pieces it means it’s still not the end”. So yeah… I’m still in a million pieces holding onto a thread and I hope that thread is forever from His cloak, even when it gets crowded and noisy. It’s hard, it’s been harder and it might get even worse, only God knows, but for the time being, I wish to be here in a month and in two and four months, and even later than that, to write you.

Thank you for taking the time to read me, this was Café Conmigo with Celeste. ‘Till next time.