I feel like I’ve walked through a huge, thick wall… of sand… that just keeps on crumbling down and I can’t really find a way out.

Something that really shook me was when a few months ago a friend of mine told me that not loving others the way we have been called to do, is a sin itself. That very thought made me go into a loophole about “I’ll never really be enough or come close to what Christ wants me to be” With that I heard a lot of sermons that made me completely understand that, as long as I live in this skin, I will be a sinner. That single thought made me feel… not so good about myself.

As I have mentioned before, I consider myself a very emotional person. I am not so much of an emotionally unstable person, but I am more of a “let me feel what I feel” type of person. But that, my friends, is not as pretty when you are walking with Christ. I do believe that Jesus felt yet did not sin, but for the last weeks, I have been meditating on how even though I try my best to be Christ-like concerning my feelings, I do, always, fall short. Looking back at every ugly situation I have faced, it eats me up and breaks me down into pieces every. single. time.

Loving people has been a huge struggle because of my emotions. Loving or even liking people has been the hardest thing to do, I used to say I didn’t like people, but I loved them just because I was called to do so. Now, the thing is, you can’t love and dislike people at the same time, love itself makes you go above and beyond for those you love, but if you put disliking them into the equation, it will limit you to do what people who love do. With loving comes doing things for them, but disliking them will stop you from doing those things. Therefore, you cannot dislike someone and say you love them. Easy, right?

Well, for me, coming to this understanding has been hell. Especially when my friend said “Knowing God calls me to love people and understanding that’s our main commandment and deciding not to do so, for me, is a sin” and that broke my brain into so many pieces. Maybe for some of you loving comes easier or maybe not, but personally, I find it hard to love like I am loved.

It’s hard to love people knowing they have done so much bad, knowing they have hurt people, knowing they are in the wrong, it’s hard to love when something “doesn’t sit right”, it’s hard loving people when they are… people. I like to choose who I love and who I want near me, I like building boundaries even when it’s not even necessary. I once told a friend of mine that we have to stop protecting ourselves from others because “who am I to try and protect myself?” do I trust in God so little that I have to be the one putting limitations on everything? and I do understand some circumstances are the exception, but otherwise, I don’t really see the point of it. Or think about Esther or Ruth, even David. Their stories are a vivid example of God’s hand in the ordinary, in between those things we won’t even pay attention to, but He does.

I have sinned, not only by not loving people but by making my emotions a priority at times, by thinking lust will be the answer to something, by gossiping just because it’s fun, by just, trying to stop with one thing and falling back into the other. While meditating on my sin I always come to this verse

This verse has been that thread that held me to Jesus. I am a sinner, I was born a sinner, and I have committed so much against God that this life will not be enough to make it right. However, the verses that come after the 23 speak for themselves

“and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood — to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished — he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.”

Romans 3:24 – 26

“Through the shedding of His blood” I don’t know about you, but that’s enough for me to hold on a little longer. I have sinned and I will continue to do so, for as long as I live within this skin in this body, I will be a sinner. Now, if we remember in Romans, Paul explains very nicely how we are born again, being born again will give me a standing before God, not because of me but because of Jesus.

Something that people forget to mention sometimes is that, even after you are born again, you will continue to sin, even when you stop, eventually, you’ll fall back into it, even when you think you got over it, even when you think you are completely clean, still, we will fall short to His Grace. This doesn’t mean I’ll believe in Jesus and keep on living and doing what I want. It means, there is accountability to be taken because of our faith and convictions. While we will not be able to be holy in this life, we have the ability to trust and follow the only Holy One through all this madness we are trying to walk through; until we meet again.

He is all we need. He really is, my friends.

I have been sitting in a hole for the past months, deciding if it would be a good idea to get back and sit with an honest heart with God. I wanted to just push a button and delete all my faith journey, I wanted to reset my convictions go back to square one, and decide to say no to Jesus, but today I received a message saying “I read your blog, are you Christian?”

While I have been avoiding even talking about my faith and even mentioning Jesus in conversations… that text really brought me back hahaha. To give you a little bit of context, I took a social media break in the last two months of 2024, I really hated going to church, I hated the idea of having to talk and deal with people. I was planning on quitting Jesus for some time, but you can’t really “quit” Jesus, can you? I even tried to delete all my Jesus-related posts on my accounts(but realized that meant deleting every single one of them) and thought about closing this blog.

If you ask me why, well, there are many reasons that I wouldn’t be able to list without crying. But that message made me sit back down to write you a little. To tell you that, it gets better, and when it does, it gets worse hahaha

BUT

Jesus is there, just there, coexisting with you. He is there watching you and remembering all the devotion that we once had for Him

 “Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem:

“This is what the Lord says:

“‘I remember the devotion of your youth,
    how as a bride you loved me
and followed me through the wilderness,
    through a land not sown.“

Jeremiah 2:2

and He will hold onto that, just like I held onto that verse in Romans. I remember doing my Bible studies and reading that Jeremiah verse for the first time, it filled me with so much love, and it made me think of God as such a loving father because it didn’t matter how much sin those people were into, He decided to remember their devotion and how they followed Him. Reading those words I spoke to God in my heart that if I ever got intentionally away from Him, please, please, please, may He remember my devotion and love for Him; and that when He does, He would eventually make me remember.

And He just did, just now. So, I can tell you that, me writing this, is in fact, an answered prayer.

I really hope you had a wonderful holiday, I hope that we can all go back to where we belong, under His voice, close to Him. Remembering over and over again the love and devotion we once had for Him and that we could surrender day by day everything that we are to Him, giving ourselves as living sacrifices, even when all we want to do is look the other way.

Thanks again for reading me, thank you for being part of this journey, I’m glad you are here. ‘Till next time, God bless.