For the longest time, I’ve believed that being selfless was one of my greatest strengths, especially as a Christian. Because there’s such a “Christ-like” perspective in this attribute, that I never saw it as something that could potentially become… not so good. The people who know me, know that I, sometimes, can forget about myself because I tend to put everything and everyone before me; I would put my life at stake if that means I’ll be protecting someone else. I would get mad if people I care for don’t go to the doctor if they get a minor cold, but if I get one I convince myself I can “pull through”(that’s funny ’cause I’m stuck with a cold and a sore throat while writing this haha), I would literally try to move a mountain for someone I don’t know, but refuse to ask for help when I need it. Mind you, it’s not always because I think “I can do it all”(might be pride tho) but sometimes I just don’t want to be a burden, I do believe everyone is dealing with their own thing, and adding to it doesn’t really seem fun, you know?

Anyway, I understand that being selfless will potentially help you become more aware of certain situations and teach you to become more compassionate and loving toward people. However, for me, it hasn’t been that simple. I tend to write down the names and petitions of everyone I want to pray for, sometimes those lists are neverending and other times my prayer times are not enough. I limit myself from watching the news with the excuse of “my heart can’t take it”(sometimes that might be because I’m a little too sensitive, but that’s a story for another day). Everything that happens, I just can’t help but put it into prayer and that just makes them longer and longer; there have been times when I just get overwhelmed by how many things I want to pray for that I just don’t. I leave it for another time or try to divide it into priorities(so sometimes it’ll be: family, closest friends, friends, community, people I know, people I don’t really know, and so on and on)

I’ve been meaning to share about this topic for a long time now, but what made me take the courage for today was this past Sunday service. Funny enough, they talked about… prayers, how much we pray but more importantly what we pray for the most; to give a little bit of context, for the past few months I realized how little I pray for myself and how much more I pray for everything else, while I understand that there’s nothing completely wrong about it, even the world tells us that we have to take care about ourselves(even the planes instructions says to put your mask before you help others) but something that I have learned about me is that, prayer has been a love language and that might have been an excuse to pray much more about others. If you are in my prayers, I love you, is that simple. So, what does it show me when I tend to put my needs as a weak Christian last? well, I’ll let you do the math. There could be many reasons why I don’t pray for myself, but for the past few days, I have come to the realization that the main reason is: I don’t feel worthy enough to pray for. Let me elaborate, me praying for you means I love you and I know you are worthy of God interceding in your life and blessing you, makes a little more sense now?

Is not that I don’t feel worthy of God’s blessing, is more of a… there will be more time in the future to worry about me, but for now, I want God to be for –this– person in particular. Now, it might sound a little sad and out of hand, but that’s what I’m working with at the moment. So, on Sunday it really hit me.

One of the questions I was asked was “who do you usually pray for the most?” to which my answer was “everybody else but me”. Hmm… yeah…

To my surprise, not everyone did the same, which you know… is okay. But a little “yeah same” would’ve been nice.

After I answered, the person next to me turned to me, looked me dead in the eyes, and said “how could you not pray for yourself?” and there’s where conviction came…

“Do I feel like I can handle it all on my own more than others, so that’s why I don’t do it? Am I trying to step into God’s shoes and try to look after everyone else? Am I being Christ-like by not praying for myself? What does Scripture say?” and on and on and on and on

Two days after that conviction I once again, forgot to pray about myself, and the day after that, I fell into my sin… again. Funny huh? The people that I prayed for were giving testimony after testimony and I remembered the times I prayed for them… it filled me with so much joy, but there I was falling back into something I committed not to go back ever again. Was this because I didn’t pray about it? maybe. Was it because I felt like I could overcome everything coming my way without talking to God about it? probably. Did I completely forget that I cannot live with my own strength? most likely, yeah. It’s a long walk, let me tell you that much…

Well, sometimes life as a Christian looks like that, maybe not for you or maybe it does, whatever the case might be I just want to remind you that however your walk with Christ looks like at the moment, there’s hope through it all and it looks like the cross of Calvary.

So, going back a little, I remember Paul in many of his letters asking the Ephesians and Thessalonians to pray for him, and that was enough argument for me, if it’s in the Bible what more do I need? Thinking deeply into it, guess who else prayed for themselves a little a lot?? JESUS CHRIST, ha! Who would’ve thought? not me for sure.

By being selfless I realized how selfish I was becoming in my commitment to God, trying to put everybody else first showed me that I could potentially end up in hell for all I know… Being selfless is good when that selflessness is surrendered to God and it becomes holy through Christ. There is a very thin line between being selfless and trying to fit in God’s shoes, and that line got a little too blurry for me this time. Sometimes, just sometimes, we might need a little breaking point to be reminded that life with Christ means life –with– Christ. I do hope and pray that we, as a vessel in God’s hands don’t get to break too often, but enough to repent and turn our eyes back to Christ. I believe that every faith journey comes with so much more than pretty pink sunsets and sunny blue skies, most of the time it does come with a whole lot of tornadoes, but through it all I pray for us to stay focused, to build us over His Word. Because at the end of the end of the day, it will be the very thing that will keep us holding onto our last threat(that was my case this time around), because you know… He is The Word, which reminds me of this beautiful verse:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”

John 1:1

In all that, let’s keep in mind that there’s a greater hope for us all, Jesus. And that’s all that matters, our covenant and commitment to our Lord. The more I think about it, the more amazed I get by His Grace, and I hope you do too. Before I close up with this week’s blog, there’s something I want to ask you… keep me in your prayers, every time I cross your mind, pray for me, because I need it… and a lot actually.

Well, that’ll be it… Oh! One more thing, if you want to keep in contact, share your testimony, or just pray for each other, you know where to find me:)

Well, now that’s it haha, thanks for taking the time to read me. This was Café Conmigo alongside Celeste, write you next week.